Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
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Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er