If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.