Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep