My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*seductively corrects your posture*
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.