I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]