You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
This kid will have a bright future.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”