*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.