dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
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Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*