Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
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It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Software Development ⛵️
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound: