In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
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Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him