Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.