Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it