[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
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Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon