I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?