Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
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Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
New tinder profile pic
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Sorry not sorry.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I feel seen.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.