Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
You Might Also Like
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Very problematic
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.