if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
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While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
house sitting!
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here