When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.