We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.