Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
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I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
called in thicc to work this morning
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.