*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
You Might Also Like
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
You can’t rush stupid.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
notice
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me