I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
he’s doing your taxes
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?