If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
You Might Also Like
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.