Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
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Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*