Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Stop making fast and furious movies.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days