Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
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May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Most fashion shows these days…
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Solving a traffic jam
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along