to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.