“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
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My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.