Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
You Might Also Like
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Snapes on a plane.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.