*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
never deleting this app.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My Guy
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
they split up moments later
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*