Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.