me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it