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Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.