This is a bad sign
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Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID