Taking phone security to the next level.
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If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Only a mother’s love …
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Kermit goes Blue.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island