How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
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When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Cinematography is my passion
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.