[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
You Might Also Like
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
#Caturday
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets