It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
never forget
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Florida be like…
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.