#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
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Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.