Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.