A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.