waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.