Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
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In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
adding to the discourse
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.