Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
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I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Jokes on them. I took 10.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.