“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
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What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
no refunds
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best