what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops