Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.