Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.