I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
You Might Also Like
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Living the best life.. 😊
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
How did we not see this back then?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.