Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
When you’re here for the treats.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.